Application

Dear Honourable Member,

Application to become a member of your extended family
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Membership of an advantageous affinal and kinship network has been my ambition since I realised that my parents are unable to offer to me the benefits accessed by membership of some sorts of other families. After careful research your class of family has been identified as the most likely to offer self fulfilment coupled with self advantage.

I believe firmly that the right combination of these two life goals is most productive for both employer and employee. It ensures enthusiasm and commitment, on the part of the employee, to the furtherance of the employer's interests, areas of activity, and our returns from office.

* I enjoy working with others and relating with people who are seeking favours that will be mine to dispense and yours to provide while, at the same time, increasing the extent of our influence and clientele.

* I can communicate effectively with those from diverse cultures and of other languages using the 'British' recommended system of communication with foreigners - shout loudly in simple sentences adopting a northern English accent.

* I am ready and able to fit into any kinship category - full, step or adopted - child, sibling, parent, mother's brother, sister's son etc., - or affinal status - wife, harem, in-law, partner, one-night stand, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

* As a cradle catholic, convent educated girl I can adopt any religious or cultural stance required; there's always confession.

My full curriculum is unprintable but can be accessed at interview.