Friday, 25 September 2009

Agony Auntie

Bill Quango, Esq., MP, has sought advice for 'a friend' whose love object resists every advance. The friend has openly, publicly, perhaps foolishly allowed his desire to be on display in all its unnatural strength. Despite a courteous but firm rejection of overtures, the friend insisted on crossing oceans to attempt a chance meeting. Met by mere kindness and a cup of tea, he insisted on the offering of inappropriate gifts which led to all gifts being returned, no matter how small, forth with. After a period of quiescence the 'friend' renewed his assault upon the object of his affections this week, using the opportunity offered by both being required to work briefly in the same building. Five times intermediaries of various statuses were employed, outside of their proper work and duties, to press the friend's unwelcome suit. Five times repulsed, despite being offered fire power and drugs that really don't belong to the 'friend' and are not his to offer.

Let me say straight away that humbling your love object by driving them through the kitchens of your mutual, if temporary, workplace and pinning them up against the prep tables and cold stores is a no-no. Any number of films and novels in which the kitchens are the escape route of choice should warn you that if you are there, you are not in the right place for a walk and talk.

Walking and talking takes place in rose gardens.

What can be done? Your 'friend', Mr Quango, must recognise that cultural difference puts an ocean between them. The gifts he can offer are those of an elderly, married man with a mean and tainted past, with an uncertain but probably ignominious future. He has literally thrown away the possibility of friendship and the pleasures of occasional meeting with his object, who will undoubtedly take measures to ensure their social circles no longer intertwine.

To be so inappropriately in love is, of course, the stuff of many tragicomedies. Is your friend all right in the head?


Philipa said...


The kitchen scene was a bit scary though. Is there a part two after the break?

Nick Drew said...

there is only one fitting solution, he should end it all

Blue Eyes said...

BQ's Right Honourable Friend His Excellency really is in a state, isn't he? Newsnight was awash with discussion as to whether Britain needed to get over its national insecurity about being a middle-ranking power. No, it's our rulers who need to get over their insecurity about being a middle-ranking power.

Or just quit and call an election.

hatfield girl said...

I fear it has been ended for him, ND.

hatfield girl said...

P, Agony Auntie will be offering updates on this affair DURING the break, so great is the interest in the 'friend's inability to love where his love is welcome and appropriate.

hatfield girl said...

Unfortunately, Blue, the 'friend' is not really in a state. He is a poseur outside his own state. He is merely a hanger-on, a ligger among the truly elected.

Philipa said...

I'll get popcorn :-)

Nomad said...

What damage would ensue should the object of affection simply tell a lovesick puppy to take a hike (that's the polite way of saying it).

wv: panters - you are at it again!!!

Elby The Beserk said...

The love object, has, I gather, offered him a cup of tea, to be taken in public together. The spurned lover, will, of course, return home to tell us of how he was fully accepted.

The rest of us cringe, and cringe, and cringe again

Ciconia said...

O rosa bella,
o dolce amina mia,
Non mi lassar morire in cortesia.

Ay, lassa me,
dolente, deco finire
Per ben servire e lealmente amare

Socorimi ormay
del mio languire,
Cor del cor mio, non mi lassar penare.

O rosa bella,
o dolce amina mia,
Non mi lassar morire in cortesia.

O lovely rose
My sweet soul
Don’t leave me to die
In courtly love

aie, leave me
in pain, I must end
in serving well and faithfully loving

Rescue me already
from my pining
Heart of my heart, don’t leave me to suffer

O beautiful rose
oh my sweet soul
don’t leave me to die in courtly love

hatfield girl said...

That's a very personal, rather than sending of minions, way of pleading though, C, and I wonder if the 'friend' can sing (or play the lute) being Scottish and depressing, and given to bullying, bribing and demanding rather than to charm?

Personally I would translate 'in cortesia, in cortesia' as 'please, please', or even 'I beg you', but who is an Agony Auntie to argue with Stanley Sadie?

Philipa said...

I'm not cringing at all. What chance love if everyone cringed at the prospect of being spurned? Mind you there are some wierdos about. Is love a kind of madness we grow out of?

And said I that my limbs were old,
And said I that my blood was cold,
And that my kindly fire was fled,
And my poor wither'd heart was dead,
And that I might not sing of love? -
How could I to the dearest theme,
That ever warm'd a minstrel's dream,
So foul, so false a recreant prove!
How could I name Love's very name,
Nor wake my heart to notes of flame!

Henry Purcell said...

I attempt from love's sickness to fly in vain...

Bill Quango MP said...

Thank you so much for your reply.
I have tried talking to my 'friend', who is more of a work colleague than a friend,but he seems to have been badly by the love bug. It is doubly unfortunately that my socially awkward, uncharismatic colleague has chosen a most charming, popular and pretty person to fall in love with.
He repeatedly asks if I could call him, just to make sure his Nokia is working {He 'dropped' it recently} and fears it may be damaged and that responses to his left voicemails are not getting through. I obliged him and of course the mobile works perfectly and his provider assures me that there have been no calls at all to his number for a number of weeks.

Your advice was very helpful, but how would I be able to make him see that he is making a fool of himself? I worry that the kindness of the person he is trailing will diminish over time and that my colleague may receive a severe and public rebuke that could fracture his already fragile self esteem completely. There is a lot of pressure on him at work at the moment and a slap in the face, metaphorically or physically, may send him down a very destructive path.

He told me the other day that he was 'over it' and that he was now calling on a German Catholic of his acquaintance to holiday with him next year. My colleague has no real connection to this person. They have not the same religion or age, or politics. This person, who resides in Rome, is frail and elderly and does not like strenuous travel, but is very respected throughout the world.
It seems a feeble rebound attempt and is doomed to failure. Even my 'friend' was half hearted in his approach.

I am really concerned that at the next G20 my colleague may try dressing up as Superman and cling to the flagpole atop Bloomingdale's or something. Is there anything else that could be done to persuade him its over?